If ever there comes a time when you find yourself blogging about Flavor Flav (or any 80’s rapper for that matter) — you should probably reassess your creative writing ability, and soon. For this very reason I have resorted to the “______ of the Month” cliché that haunts most blogs.

I was prompted to nominate this month’s candidate after watching Marley and Me four times and crying each time like a teenage girl at a Hannah Montana concert. This month’s “winner” isn’t being recognized for his recent under-achievements; his idiocy was proven far before this month even. I’m actually surprised I didn’t realize how significant his actions were until seeing how amazing Jennifer Aniston still looks at age 41! Although I do admire his impressive career in film, I think you would have to be a very small step from being declared legally retarded to leave Jennifer for Angelina Jolie. And the Loser is.. (Do a drum roll on your desk.. unless you around other people) — Brad Pitt.

Dear Mr. Pitt,

Really? You traded one of the most beautiful women alive (second only to Tina Fey) for a wife that has lips the size of beanbag chairs that must pose as a very serious suffocation risk. Jolie is a mediocre actress at best, she has the face of a much older woman, and (I would imagine) the personality of a goldfish. You are now stuck with like 30 kids, most of which aren’t even yours! (I didn’t check the exact number of adopted children, and instead of reading Us Weekly to find out, I just continued living my life.) She was once married to Billy Bob Thornton, enough said.

Congrats. Way to think it through Mr. Pitt.

(p.s. you were hilarious in Burn After Reading)